There are very few holidays I don’t enjoy.
Memorial Day? I’m on it.
Presidents’ Day? Always a good time.
Arbor Day? I love trees!
I’m even fond of those wacky new holidays that make for funny punch-lines on social media.
You know, the modern fictional celebrations, like…
National Old Stuff Day (March 2nd), National Sea Monkey Day (May 16th), and of course National Hairball Awareness Day (which is the last Friday in April, but you probably already knew that).
While buttermilk biscuits, chocolate-covered cherries and Cordova ice worms (seriously) are each honored with a day on the calendar, there are no unique observed holidays for parents to enjoy that are on par with something like National Sneak Some Zucchini Into Your Neighbor’s Porch Day (August 8th).
Oh, and don’t even try it with Respect for Parents Day (August 1st). No one is buying that.
As a dad, sometimes I have to revel in the little things in lieu of a National Day for me, small moments that can occur on any day, at any time, such as five random minutes to myself, in total, blissful silence.
Here are six new made-up holidays, 100% imaginary celebratory days, exclusively for parents.
The First Tuesday in September: National Pee Uninterrupted Day
The highlight of the parenting holiday calendar comes early in September after the kiddos have been shepherded back to school.
Whether you return home for the whole day or simply pass over the threshold to get dressed for work, you will be able to do your business in peace and quiet today because this is National Pee Uninterrupted Day.
February 29th: National Your Child Finally Finds the Library Book They Lost During Winter Break and Your Librarian Takes Pity On You and Waives the Overdue Fee Day
*this holiday is unfortunately only celebrated once every 4 years*
Because your local library has begun printing the book’s Replacement Cost on your rental receipts instead of the Due Date, this imaginary parenting holiday is especially pleasant. On this day, every four years, you will be spared the $12.75 replacement cost for that one book about that strange kid who found that colorful dragon and did that thing…oh who are we kidding, your kid never even read the book before they lost it.
May 3rd: Little Parenting White Lies Absolved Day
We truly are out of batteries for your loud, annoying toy.
We really don’t have any chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream in the freezer.
Of course these mashed potatoes don’t have steamed cauliflower in them.
On this spring day, all the little white lies we tell our children are absolved. Poof. All forgiven.
June 31st: National Parents Sleep-In Until 10am Day
Just kidding, 6/31 doesn’t exist and neither does a parent’s chance of sleeping in. Ever.
October 12th: Parents Stay Up Late Night
On this day, all parents are giving the magical power to stay up later than usual, that is to say longer than 5 minutes after their kids have finally stopped asking for another sip of water and have gone to sleep.
Go ahead and binge that new hit show on Netflix everyone is raving about, pour a couple glasses of wine to go with that fancy cheese board, play Scrabble, watch the west coast baseball game you never get to see, get frisky in the bedroom — the choice is yours but don’t waste this holiday because the magic wears off in the morning.
The First Monday of April: Opening Day of Baseball
This is a real thing, a real day, that shamefully isn’t a real holiday. Opening Day of Baseball should be a holiday because there’s nothing more stately or more American than our original National Pastime (you know, before Social Media took over that job).
Parents should be off from work and kids should be home from school to play catch together in the yard or to form teams and play a game of baseball at a local park in the morning and then huddle around the TV to watch Opening Day games all afternoon from all over the country, while a backyard grill cooks up burgers, hot dogs and corn on the cob. Play Ball!